# 12 – Doing Your Job

  • Treat your job just like dating. Look for an office romance and if you can’t find one you can just peter-out and leave.
  • If you hate your job, see if anyone at work is into semi-obscure 90’s sitcoms and then bond over that. Or Bieber.
  • The best kind of job to get is one with goo hidey holes and barricade materials to take naps in. But do your job first.

# 11 – Getting Rejected

  • Harvard will not be interested in you if you fall asleep during your admissions interview.
  • The FBI will not be interested in you as a secret agent if you don’t know how to leave a voicemail.
  • Broadway musicals will not be interested in casting you if you are a non-urban Mexican. But don’t get a perm!

# 10 – Cooking

  • A successful meal means that you have good people around you, everyone is happy, and you’ve only melted like half of your place mat.
  • No matter how important tortellini is in your diet, remember… you’ve gotta make that Meal Plan last all semester.
  • You don’t need a Harvard education to know how to cook.

# 9 – Giving Gifts

  • If you buy anyone a personalized box of chocolates, expect it to be held against you for the rest of your life.
  • If you’re gonna get someone soda for Christmas, check the flavors and if they’re savory… reconsider buying them.
  • If you like giving ironic gifts, make sure you thank Nadia Vazquez because she invented them.

# 8 – Taking Care of Your Car

  • When your dad starts telling you to move the fuse box Legos around, it might be time to get a new car.
  • When you drive a nice car, be prepare to get judged by mechanics and to get tampons plastered to your car.
  • Be safe driving, because you never know when you may have a weird existential conversation with your mechanic that plunges you into a dark abyss of meaninglessness and mortality.

#7 – Eating Healthy

  • Try to eat as colorful as possible, exercise, and get the Mozzarella Sticks for Christ’s sake.
  • Don’t worry about other people judging you for what you eat. Not your mother, not your friends, not the BBQ delivery guy, not the Whole Foods cashier…
  •  If you want to eat healthy, do everything you can to avoid temptation. For example, don’t attend the world’s largest candy and snack food convention.

#6 – Dealing With Breakups

  • Recovering from the end of a relationship is always a challenge, especially when that person is still your bus buddy.
  • The best way to win a breakup is to date your ex’s doppleganger in terms of race AND hairstyle.
  • Channel your hurt and anger into something creative, and if all else fails… sic your dad on him!

#5 – Talking About Politics

  • The best way to talk about politics is either to be well-read, respectful and calm, OR… rent a plane with a fetus banner.
  • If you’re gonna comment on Facebook or Twitter, do everyone a favor and be funny.
  • Get educated and informed, don’t wait 15 years to research Ross Perot.

#4 – Getting Enough Sleep

  • Know the difference between how fireworks sound and how gunshots sound, that’ll give you peace of mind.
  • It’s cool to watch Friends reruns before bed, but as soon as George Lopez comes on… it’s time to turn the TV off.
  • Fuck the morning shower, just stay in bed.

#3- Traveling by Air

  • The more you complain about an airline on Twitter, the more followers you’ll get.
  • Don’t talk to strangers on your flight unless you want an arranged marriage.
  • If it seems like everything is going your way when you’re traveling, it means that somebody is about to have a seizure.

#2 – Going To Weddings

  • Dress appropriately to all weddings, especially those at Mormon temples.
  • At destination weddings, maybe hold off on the dairy.
  • Seriously man, don’t… just don’t get an ice cream scoop.

#1 – Celebrating Birthdays

  • Stick with tradition, even if it means wearing a costume.
  • It’s ok to celebrate your birthday with your mom, you can still get wasted.
  • Don’t have an existential crisis on your birthday, and if necessary, use salted cured meats to ward it off.

Leave Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *