# 12 – Doing Your Job

  • Treat your job just like dating. Look for an office romance and if you can’t find one you can just peter-out and leave.
  • If you hate your job, see if anyone at work is into semi-obscure 90’s sitcoms and then bond over that. Or Bieber.
  • The best kind of job to get is one with goo hidey holes and barricade materials to take naps in. But do your job first.

# 11 – Getting Rejected

  • Harvard will not be interested in you if you fall asleep during your admissions interview.
  • The FBI will not be interested in you as a secret agent if you don’t know how to leave a voicemail.
  • Broadway musicals will not be interested in casting you if you are a non-urban Mexican. But don’t get a perm!

# 10 – Cooking

  • A successful meal means that you have good people around you, everyone is happy, and you’ve only melted like half of your place mat.
  • No matter how important tortellini is in your diet, remember… you’ve gotta make that Meal Plan last all semester.
  • You don’t need a Harvard education to know how to cook.

# 9 – Giving Gifts

  • If you buy anyone a personalized box of chocolates, expect it to be held against you for the rest of your life.
  • If you’re gonna get someone soda for Christmas, check the flavors and if they’re savory… reconsider buying them.
  • If you like giving ironic gifts, make sure you thank Nadia Vazquez because she invented them.

# 8 – Taking Care of Your Car

  • When your dad starts telling you to move the fuse box Legos around, it might be time to get a new car.
  • When you drive a nice car, be prepare to get judged by mechanics and to get tampons plastered to your car.
  • Be safe driving, because you never know when you may have a weird existential conversation with your mechanic that plunges you into a dark abyss of meaninglessness and mortality.

#7 – Eating Healthy

  • Try to eat as colorful as possible, exercise, and get the Mozzarella Sticks for Christ’s sake.
  • Don’t worry about other people judging you for what you eat. Not your mother, not your friends, not the BBQ delivery guy, not the Whole Foods cashier…
  •  If you want to eat healthy, do everything you can to avoid temptation. For example, don’t attend the world’s largest candy and snack food convention.

#6 – Dealing With Breakups

  • Recovering from the end of a relationship is always a challenge, especially when that person is still your bus buddy.
  • The best way to win a breakup is to date your ex’s doppleganger in terms of race AND hairstyle.
  • Channel your hurt and anger into something creative, and if all else fails… sic your dad on him!

#5 – Talking About Politics

  • The best way to talk about politics is either to be well-read, respectful and calm, OR… rent a plane with a fetus banner.
  • If you’re gonna comment on Facebook or Twitter, do everyone a favor and be funny.
  • Get educated and informed, don’t wait 15 years to research Ross Perot.

#4 – Getting Enough Sleep

  • Know the difference between how fireworks sound and how gunshots sound, that’ll give you peace of mind.
  • It’s cool to watch Friends reruns before bed, but as soon as George Lopez comes on… it’s time to turn the TV off.
  • Fuck the morning shower, just stay in bed.

#3- Traveling by Air

  • The more you complain about an airline on Twitter, the more followers you’ll get.
  • Don’t talk to strangers on your flight unless you want an arranged marriage.
  • If it seems like everything is going your way when you’re traveling, it means that somebody is about to have a seizure.

#2 – Going To Weddings

  • Dress appropriately to all weddings, especially those at Mormon temples.
  • At destination weddings, maybe hold off on the dairy.
  • Seriously man, don’t… just don’t get an ice cream scoop.

#1 – Celebrating Birthdays

  • Stick with tradition, even if it means wearing a costume.
  • It’s ok to celebrate your birthday with your mom, you can still get wasted.
  • Don’t have an existential crisis on your birthday, and if necessary, use salted cured meats to ward it off.